Weighty Issues

I had struggled with my weight my entire life. Even during secondary school, to junior college to work. I have never been on the lean side and our processed food diet does not help.

The worst was probably in the 2007-2009 period where work became overwhelming and I ballooned to some over 60kg monster, unknowingly. The oversized polo t-shirts and jeans does not seem to be that tight after all. It was only at my current company that I found work-life balance and also the bout of depression I suffered in 2009-2010 when bb left me.

I guess it’s always related to her that drove me to such extreme measures. I just set an impossible target of 45kg for myself. I am tracking my weight daily and keeping watch on stuff that I put into my mouth. I am seeing results and I felt a lot healthier.

I skipped breakfast. I eat 3/4 portions at lunch. I made salads for dinner. I limited my snacking. I can always feel hunger pangs.

Records:
1 March 2014 – 58.5kg
31 March 2014 – 57.8kg
1 May 2014 – 55.8kg
Today- 54kg ( it was 53++ since last thursday).

The intensity of exercise and restricted food intake only started from mid April after the holidays. The exercises include jogging, swimming, cycling, gym workout and dance / any other random activities with my work folks.

What others’ think:
1. My sister said to me, ‘life is not defined by the scale’ today when she saw me constantly weighing myself.
2. My colleague said to me, ‘why did you tell the world that you are on a diet?’
3. Another colleague said, ‘that sliced pork jerky is 12,000 calories?’
4. Another colleague got exasperated when I rejected an offer of iced milo citing its sugar content.
5. Another colleague failed to persuade me to get ice cream from mickey dees on monday.

I am not sure if I can really hit the target of 45kg, which actually would be quite scary and I would need a lot of new clothes and probably will not be able to sustain. But I would say, I can just try. The most, I could is to fall a little short, in the region of 48kg, I might be contented. Wanna feel good and pretty about myself. Loving me, every single day.

Thoughts of bb still permeate my mind on a daily basis. I am still wondering why she could be so cruel to me. Shalt keep pinning those inspirational stuff on pinterest.

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Love bank

A close friend reminded me of the concept of the love bank today. She remarked that bb made too many withdrawals and barely made any deposits.

I tried to defend by insisting that she did, with her photos, a nice watch and email. But if you scratch beneath the surface, you know it’s just blank; like an ‘thank you for participation’ scratch card. One that just gives you an momentary element of hope, but does nothing in the end. I am still back at square one.

My emotional needs had been neglected for the longest time. I should have noticed but I chose to live in oblivion. A term long associated with my persona. One that of selective memory and attention so that pains just buried. Maybe I am still trying to love this unlovable person.

Lately, I could feel myself being sad, old and feeble. It’s like an introspection to ages 40, 50, and 60. How long can I still stand being holed like this? I kept pinning inspirational quotes to my board on Pinterest. But the more the pin, the weaker in faith I felt. Is it just another low point in my life that I had to weather it out alone again? Where tears kept me company through the silence of the night.

All these will be over, once bb opens the gate to let me in again. But deep inside, I do resent this banishment, from time to time. Why are my mistakes magnified and my acts of love taken for granted? Why am I not worthy of love and patience? Why am I always made to feel sad and bad?

She kept saying she is unhappy with her life. Why can’t she just list them all down and we can talk it over ? Why can’t we just try a little bit harder? 我也不想这样得过且过。我真得<>为什么<<你不是真正的快乐>>和<<你为什么说谎>>?!在一个已经没法再坦白从宽的感情里,只是继续对比此加上隐形的甲板。隔离之间只有生熟和逞强。"怎么了?你累了?<<说好的幸福呢?>>我懂了,爱淡了"。<<我的心真的受伤了>>。

保重!我走了。I hath always thought it takes more courage to stay than to leave. I stayed and I just got my broken heart tattered further. All I can do now, is to bring my broken and tattered heart away with me. I did try and for so long. I can’t anymore. I am tired of this superhuman expectations. I am just someone asking to be held and loved. Nothing more.

I am closing this account. Sorry. 😭

Unhappy Mother’s Day

It’s meant to be a mothers’ day celebration. Yet my mum ended up unhappy. Dad caused it and we rubbed it in when she turns up the stubborn nose. 😖

Why oh why?! One can be much more nicer to our loved ones. Stop the edginess and nasty retorts. We are family. 😭

Sorry, mum. Wish I could make it better. Will make it up on Tuesday. 😔
I still love you.

Turning nocturnal

I think I am turning nocturnal. My sleep patterns are all messed up. It’s already 2am and I am still wide-eyed. By morning, I would be groggy and lacklustre by afternoon.

Are there so much on my mind? I am not working and studying hard enough. Praying fervently that my trip gets approved as I need a short break (preferably paid by work) come July.

Trying to be miss nice-ty as always. Recently ‘seeing’ more than I should and doesn’t seem to help my lil fren. Can’t say more le lah. People enjoy it, Mai let them lor. Mai kaypoh. Hahaha.

Awaiting excitement with bated breath. Does it mean I need a new blog again? This is a third liao Lu. How much personal cyber space I need?

Try counting sheep from 100 backwards. Hope I won’t be peering at this screen again by 1. Jia you!

Limiting food intake is so tough! But I am sure I am up for the challenge. Hahaha. Nothing’s too tough. Been there and done that before right? Come on. A higher target is better than a lower one.

Nights!

Re-acquaintance with adrenaline

Having been sedentary for the past 3 years citing workload and lack of need to keep up with my appearance, the bulge had caught up.

Having lost over 10kg in 2009-2010, half of it had returned since. My heaviest in the past six months would be 59kg and my feeble heart cannot handle it if the scale hits the big 6.

Given the recent vacation and cash loan from bb, I think I had enough of her creating such ripples in my life. She doesn’t care about me anymore. I should hath known better. To make myself feel better, I will make myself look better.

This is a quest for an image overhaul and to have a brand new me by 2015. An 8-month project to be body beautiful. I started with my first run last Saturday and a second today. There will be more and adrenaline will be my new best friend.

Going for lyrical dance class tomorrow and will be helping out for some volleyball tournament on Saturday.

When life throws u lemons, make lemonade. Life is too short to keep waiting for someone ‘s meagre attention. Stop guilt tripping me when you and I both know the repertoire. It has been a few years since you stayed out of trouble. Dun re-create all these. I am tired of all the drama and I am only human.

All I ever wanted is a simple life and to be loved. I gave everything I could and all I had are scraps of love thrown to me at whim. Maybe I am not cut out for your love in the first place. I need to stop crying and feel sorry. Love was never meant to be like this.

I am rebuilding my life. A new lease with new sights. I had enough. Thanks.

New targets:
1. Reduce body weight to 45kg.
2. Improve skin complexion
3. Wardrobe overhaul
4. Cosmetic enhancement
5. Stop being hurt