A close friend reminded me of the concept of the love bank today. She remarked that bb made too many withdrawals and barely made any deposits.
I tried to defend by insisting that she did, with her photos, a nice watch and email. But if you scratch beneath the surface, you know it’s just blank; like an ‘thank you for participation’ scratch card. One that just gives you an momentary element of hope, but does nothing in the end. I am still back at square one.
My emotional needs had been neglected for the longest time. I should have noticed but I chose to live in oblivion. A term long associated with my persona. One that of selective memory and attention so that pains just buried. Maybe I am still trying to love this unlovable person.
Lately, I could feel myself being sad, old and feeble. It’s like an introspection to ages 40, 50, and 60. How long can I still stand being holed like this? I kept pinning inspirational quotes to my board on Pinterest. But the more the pin, the weaker in faith I felt. Is it just another low point in my life that I had to weather it out alone again? Where tears kept me company through the silence of the night.
All these will be over, once bb opens the gate to let me in again. But deep inside, I do resent this banishment, from time to time. Why are my mistakes magnified and my acts of love taken for granted? Why am I not worthy of love and patience? Why am I always made to feel sad and bad?
She kept saying she is unhappy with her life. Why can’t she just list them all down and we can talk it over ? Why can’t we just try a little bit harder? 我也不想这样得过且过。我真得<>为什么＜＜你不是真正的快乐＞＞和＜＜你为什么说谎＞＞？！在一个已经没法再坦白从宽的感情里，只是继续对比此加上隐形的甲板。隔离之间只有生熟和逞强。＂怎么了？你累了?＜＜说好的幸福呢？＞＞我懂了，爱淡了＂。＜＜我的心真的受伤了＞＞。
保重！我走了。I hath always thought it takes more courage to stay than to leave. I stayed and I just got my broken heart tattered further. All I can do now, is to bring my broken and tattered heart away with me. I did try and for so long. I can’t anymore. I am tired of this superhuman expectations. I am just someone asking to be held and loved. Nothing more.
I am closing this account. Sorry. 😭