I was just googling this term – Cognitive Dissonance (Festinger,1957) and only to find it appearing in my course lecture tonight. According to Wikipedia, it is defined as “the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values.”
This feelings of dissonance had been plaguing me for the longest time, which explains why I often chose to antagonise her, to feel better for myself. The right to stand up and the demand for basic respect. The need to shout for attention and voice my opinion of those suppressed inner-thoughts.
I was very upset when she let the grumpy self got the better of her before my food delivery on Friday morning. If you cannot be appreciate, the least you need to do, is to be nasty. I didn’t wake up at 6.30am, rushed to get so much food, only to be chided for being there. Anyone else would at least rain me with a hug or kiss, for that loving effort. But you? Questioning my presence and giving me that look of disdain is enough to put me off this entire weekend. Not to mention the lack of responsibility towards your OWN flat’s upgrading to begin with. I am sick and f**king tired of being the housekeeper, maid, banker, rescuer, doormat and being unappreciated for the longest time. It is not just texting to say that each time and throwing it all away whenever other things come up.
I kept telling myself that ‘THIS IS IT’ and yet, I end up being all cooed and gooey when I empathise with her. I need to stop feeling this way. I need to constantly remind myself to stop feeling for this selfish person who never ever puts in a single % into this relationship. Stop being sucked into her warped theories of things and ridiculous behaviours. I am going to learn to cherish other people, whoever it can be, whoever it will be. I will not shut others out, even if they will ultimately be labelled as friends. In this way, I am only being fair to myself.
I have so many things on hard – juggling studies, work, upcoming vacation, physical overhaul and yet I have to keep babysitting this mongster that triggers a tear-stained face journey each time. Stop telling me that you will pay me, which you know you won’t. I am never ever going to let myself be manipulated by you again. A decade is more than enough and I know I will definitely be better off.
Brace and walk on. I can do it. When I look back, I will be glad that I left, than to stay. It is not about being stronger to stay, but simply utterly pointless. Many would have walked out earlier, I am those few that had stayed. You would argued over your stupid theory of being ‘nice and soft-hearted’ to me, when you never really did. Bye bye bye.