Our home gets upgraded!

Somehow tonight felt like we are an old couple living together for the past decade. I broke a cup cover in the first two minutes of packing and bb didn’t really scold me (heng ah!!). She told me to be careful and sweep for any tiny pieces of remnants. A couple of minutes later, she went ‘you ah, I need the cup cover for the next few days to keep the dust out’.

She got quite angry when I shoved the plastic bags just into the cupboard and accidentally touch her a few times while putting the masking tape on the ladder. Other than that, we go about our packing in our own ways.

Though I would get so angry with her sometimes, getting a variety of food for her is always priority on my list. I can spent an entire hour walking around to get 5 – 7 types and hang it all over my arms. I just hope she appreciates all these that I had done and treat me better from now onwards. I still love her as much and really want her to turn over a new leaf. We are not young anymore and I don’t want to be old, broke and bitter.

Heading to bed. Long busy week ahead.

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Cognitive Dissonance

I was just googling this term – Cognitive Dissonance (Festinger,1957) and only to find it appearing in my course lecture tonight. According to Wikipedia, it is defined as “the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values.”

This feelings of dissonance had been plaguing me for the longest time, which explains why I often chose to antagonise her, to feel better for myself. The right to stand up and the demand for basic respect. The need to shout for attention and voice my opinion of those suppressed inner-thoughts.

I was very upset when she let the grumpy self got the better of her before my food delivery on Friday morning. If you cannot be appreciate, the least you need to do, is to be nasty. I didn’t wake up at 6.30am, rushed to get so much food, only to be chided for being there. Anyone else would at least rain me with a hug or kiss, for that loving effort. But you? Questioning my presence and giving me that look of disdain is enough to put me off this entire weekend. Not to mention the lack of responsibility towards your OWN flat’s upgrading to begin with. I am sick and f**king tired of being the housekeeper, maid, banker, rescuer, doormat and being unappreciated for the longest time. It is not just texting to say that each time and throwing it all away whenever other things come up.

I kept telling myself that ‘THIS IS IT’ and yet, I end up being all cooed and gooey when I empathise with her. I need to stop feeling this way. I need to constantly remind myself to stop feeling for this selfish person who never ever puts in a single % into this relationship. Stop being sucked into her warped theories of things and ridiculous behaviours. I am going to learn to cherish other people, whoever it can be, whoever it will be. I will not shut others out, even if they will ultimately be labelled as friends. In this way, I am only being fair to myself.

I have so many things on hard – juggling studies, work, upcoming vacation, physical overhaul and yet I have to keep babysitting this mongster that triggers a tear-stained face journey each time. Stop telling me that you will pay me, which you know you won’t. I am never ever going to let myself be manipulated by you again. A decade is more than enough and I know I will definitely be better off.

Brace and walk on. I can do it. When I look back, I will be glad that I left, than to stay. It is not about being stronger to stay, but simply utterly pointless. Many would have walked out earlier, I am those few that had stayed. You would argued over your stupid theory of being ‘nice and soft-hearted’ to me, when you never really did. Bye bye bye.

Lost a post

Couldn’t locate a post that I wrote earlier. About letting go of someone. Perhaps shall hunt it down on a pc instead. Might have been shared on a draft or something. Can’t believe it’s missing since this app had been pretty reliable all these while.

‘If you don’t mind, I am eating.’ This is as good as telling me to shut the fark up. You can always say ‘ttyl, eating’. You can choose not to reply, until later. Do you have to answer me in that tone? Mind you, whose food that you are eating right now? Without me, you won’t have a roof over your head. Without me, you could have been serving your sentence. Without me, you may say you are better off.

Whatever, I probably should jus stop caring altogether. You are hurting me too much. I really don’t deserve to be treated like this at all. Such condescending and dismissive attitude and always ready to point the blame at me at the slightest thought.

Well oh well. Stop reminding me about the leading one’s own life. You chose to remove u from us. Don’t keep blaming me and guilt tripping me. I have been tormented enough by you. If you can’t be respectful nor sweet, I don’t see the point in clinging onto a loveless relationship. One which I have to beg for love, only to be treated with disdain over and over again. I have my dignity as well and you had trampled on it enough. Never in my life, had I say so many sorries. Never will I again be sorry for all your horror of horrors.

Today, I draw a final closure to end my pain. I won’t ask if you need. You said you are not a cripple. So carry on and get your own food.