Agitation & Rampages

I cannot fathom your ability to get agitated at the slightest of things. It is simply incredulous! Just because I lay my shoe on the rack using my feet, you slammed your keys on the floor and proceed into such a rampage.

You kept saying that you are trying your best to love me and dote on me. Yet, I kept throwing your affections away. Why does it sound like you are doing me a big favour and I am undeserving of your affection? Am I really so unworthy  I love you for the longest time and need I say so? Stop telling me to prove it by actions because I had already done so.

You kept saying that you do not want to lead an unhappy life with me. The key is just three words – UNHAPPY WITH ME. It is so obvious, that there is little love left. Because you will nitpick and start ranting whenever I fall short of your expectations. Real love includes compromise and that is clearly absent in yocur ase. You cannot compromise nor is willing to look beyond my flaws. You kept magnifying them and recording them. What can I do?

I wish I had an answer. Perhaps I think to seek spiritual advice, to stay or to go. What will this lead to? I am tired, really sad that this person that I love so much, is treating me so badly for the longest time. One who kept harping on ‘these two years’ where we had not communicated, when it is clear who is the person who dictated the quantity and intensity of communication. One whose love is so noble that every single ounce hurts because I am expected to give back 1 gazillion litres in return. Totally intolerant of any single mistake of mine and yet, able to tolerate infidelity in others.

I wish to believe that you really love me and that you still do. Yet, everything seems contradictory. I am tired of your conditional love and extreme tryranny. It was partially my fault, for creating this mongster of love and for loving this mongster, despite what she had done. Dear winged Cupid, why can’t you withdraw this sharpened arrow of yours, from my wounding heart? Is it really a doomed love from the start? Is it really wrong, to love someone so much, only to be so hurt in return?

Am I really that detestable? That my actions are all horrible, crappy, lousy, stupid, pathetic, irritating, sickening, uncalled for, lazy, nonsensical ? The list of adjectives can go on and on.. the point is, it is the clouded perception of that very one person. One that never fails to rain sarcasm and hurl abuse, when I did just something OH SO WRONG. Sigh…

p…………..a……………..i………………n………………….

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Attention

Am I hearing things right? Are you asking for my attention or my money to buy those things?

I can’t keep up with your demands. If you keep complaining about my work, at least it is providing the dough for your subsistence and this bloody roof. If I had relied on you, we would have nothing at all.

Stop threatening me and scolding me. My insecurity is stemmed by your actions and your perception of love and beauty. It is because I never felt loved enough by you. All I always felt was criticisms and instructions.

Communication is key. If you had to share your feelings, it is not something negative. I am not a psychic and I cannot tell your daily whims and fancies. You could be happy for the day and fly off the handle the very next second. I am living with a pressure cooker and can you imagine how I felt?

Listen. That night, you told me to ‘go away, don’t touch me’. So I went to my corner and just try to sleep. You get all upset by that. Ain’t that your instructions? If I come any closer, you would have scolded me. And of cos I felt hurt to be rejected by the person I loved the most. Don’t I have a right to feel hurt? Do you even understand the depth of hurt that I hath within me ? I am still reeling in pain by your infidelity.

I admit that I was really busy yesterday and rushed to your side in the evening.

Just got caught.. To be continued.

The Forgotten Value Of Commitment

I for one, is absolutely committed for a decade and more. For the person who texted me with ‘ I am fond of you’, left me shackled as a prisoner of love – a willing victim, until recent. To discover what a fool I had .,.

Still trying, grappling and mocking myself. For believing in for now and for always.

JamesMSama.com

Ah, commitment. When we think of commitment in relation to today’s relationships, we primarily think it means being with one person. Monogamy. Not cheating. You are committed to that person.

commit2

I think, though, it is a word that is thrown around too easily. Much like how we ‘love’ people we barely know and ‘hate’ people we have never met. Words that once had deep meaning and were reserved for those experiences of being gripped at your very core by the emotion you were expressing, have begun to lose their meaning due to overuse.

Using words like love in a brand new relationship where we have not experienced enough of a person to truly know them, waters down the term for those who actually mean it. For those who have built and created it alongside their partner for years. For those who value it for what it is – a deep…

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Physically and Emotionally Unwell

I had been coughing for weeks, until I even lost my voice. Now that it is slightly better, it seems to be turning worse again. I need to get well soon. It is taking a toil on me and my lungs are going to come up my throat anytime.

Emotionally, I am very unwell. I am feeling like a hypocrite. I am feeling very sad for myself, that I had suffered for so long. Suddenly the skies seems so blue, the world seems so bright. Why on earth did I let myself be tortured like this, for the past few years (or rather, ever since the first gambling streak started in 2006)? How can I not even realise the distance and disdain, nor doubted her. I am such a stupid fool.

To think she was even making plans for the OW, I totally cannot take it. I kept thinking if she even love me at all ever?  What are we heading to? Why did this happened to me? I joined a FB group to deal with all these issues. Can I move forward with her, do I love her enough to continue to live in denial, in distrust and in sadness. I want her to come clean and I want us to start over. But can she handle this? Will she keep blaming me? She has hurt me SO much. SO SO SO much. My tears are streaming at night. She didn’t even notice that I was crying outside the toilet door, that very night, because I was so sad.

I can’t concentrate and it’s upsetting me a lot. I never knew the pain of infidelity until now. I thought I had tolerated the worst, but this is a lot more than I could ever handle. The images kept playing in my head. The words kept ringing in my mind. The very fact that she looked over to see if I was watching her checking out the FB account, is another stark reminder.

Sobs aplenty. I really dunno how to live like this. One can forgive, but never forget. But if one does not even come clean, how to forgive. What’s worse, to be blamed for it further.

I used to think, when I die, she will then realised how much that I love her. This is so stupid. It never mattered to her for the longest time. She knew I would never leave her ever. What kind of a hold does this horrible person have on me? That she would treat me like dirt, yet I will not leave. I am such a stupid fool. I am indeed.

Back to my studies. Sigh a gazillion times.

A loveless marriage of 10 years?

The more I read, the more my heart gets chilled. It’s been a year since she started cheating on me and I was still the stupid dumb ass doormat who hankers after her affections like a lovelorn puppy.

I have never heard her say I love you for a while. It’s so obvious because she has been giving her love to others instead.

I dunno she is with me now because she realized that she had even cheated? I really dunno and until she writes to herself again, I can’t know more.

I deactivated the gmail notifications so that she won’t ever know. No wonder I couldn’t find any traces in her phone earlier. She was using a separate account. Classic manipulator as well.

Let’s see how the job and everything pans out. I really wasted my prime years, money and time on this weasel. It’s tiring to keep a tight rein and I wonder if she ll stray again once someone younger, prettier comes knocking. Is faithfulness really over rated? I am such a fool. Absolutely!

Chained to the concept of everlasting love. Jamie cullum, don’t sing already!!!!

A prayer for myself

Evasive and finger pointing pig !
You knew what I was getting at and you chose to brush it off.

Maybe you will write another email to yourself and reveal your true feelings again.

Am I at fault for questioning you on what I read in September against the current you in October ? I don’t know.

I regret not sending the whole Watsapp message to my email and not settling things that night. I felt being used for the whole of September.

Though I tried to be closer to you yesterday, a lot of scary thoughts were in my head. Those of your sweet nothings with that honey trapper. Perhaps you had realized your mistake and eradicated all evidence.

You cannot just turn around and start screaming down at me when it was clearly your fault all along. All these years, I tolerated your misdemeanors and saved you time after time. Ain’t these merits that you should focus on ? Yet you are always quick to point out my shortcomings. My lack of mindfulness is a virtue, for anyone else won’t have tolerated all these shit.

You may blame me for ripping open your raw wound but did you notice my bleeding heart? It bled for you for the longest time accompanied by the constant longing and sadness.

You will never understand and you will always think you are right. Continue being cold and unhappy if you want. Harp on being alone because you chose to shut me out.

Stop being so self righteous about not cheating on me. You did and had no guts to admit. Choosing to lie so that you can act as a loftier person in front of me. One day, I will show you evidence and let’s see what you have to say.

Sadly so,
Stricken by heartache and sorrow,
a betrayed spouse who had to tolerate emotional blackmail,
verbal abuse
and the silent treatment.
Amen, I pray for my pathetic self.

The sad truth

The sad truth is out.

She slept with her and still pines after her.

I need to verify if she is still in touch. Can I stomach this? No.

I rather leave, then be cheated upon. I know I deserves better and it’s her bigotry that ruined us. No point returning tit for tat , not worth it.

Broken hearted.