Physically and Emotionally Unwell

I had been coughing for weeks, until I even lost my voice. Now that it is slightly better, it seems to be turning worse again. I need to get well soon. It is taking a toil on me and my lungs are going to come up my throat anytime.

Emotionally, I am very unwell. I am feeling like a hypocrite. I am feeling very sad for myself, that I had suffered for so long. Suddenly the skies seems so blue, the world seems so bright. Why on earth did I let myself be tortured like this, for the past few years (or rather, ever since the first gambling streak started in 2006)? How can I not even realise the distance and disdain, nor doubted her. I am such a stupid fool.

To think she was even making plans for the OW, I totally cannot take it. I kept thinking if she even love me at all ever?  What are we heading to? Why did this happened to me? I joined a FB group to deal with all these issues. Can I move forward with her, do I love her enough to continue to live in denial, in distrust and in sadness. I want her to come clean and I want us to start over. But can she handle this? Will she keep blaming me? She has hurt me SO much. SO SO SO much. My tears are streaming at night. She didn’t even notice that I was crying outside the toilet door, that very night, because I was so sad.

I can’t concentrate and it’s upsetting me a lot. I never knew the pain of infidelity until now. I thought I had tolerated the worst, but this is a lot more than I could ever handle. The images kept playing in my head. The words kept ringing in my mind. The very fact that she looked over to see if I was watching her checking out the FB account, is another stark reminder.

Sobs aplenty. I really dunno how to live like this. One can forgive, but never forget. But if one does not even come clean, how to forgive. What’s worse, to be blamed for it further.

I used to think, when I die, she will then realised how much that I love her. This is so stupid. It never mattered to her for the longest time. She knew I would never leave her ever. What kind of a hold does this horrible person have on me? That she would treat me like dirt, yet I will not leave. I am such a stupid fool. I am indeed.

Back to my studies. Sigh a gazillion times.

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