Agitation & Rampages

I cannot fathom your ability to get agitated at the slightest of things. It is simply incredulous! Just because I lay my shoe on the rack using my feet, you slammed your keys on the floor and proceed into such a rampage.

You kept saying that you are trying your best to love me and dote on me. Yet, I kept throwing your affections away. Why does it sound like you are doing me a big favour and I am undeserving of your affection? Am I really so unworthy  I love you for the longest time and need I say so? Stop telling me to prove it by actions because I had already done so.

You kept saying that you do not want to lead an unhappy life with me. The key is just three words – UNHAPPY WITH ME. It is so obvious, that there is little love left. Because you will nitpick and start ranting whenever I fall short of your expectations. Real love includes compromise and that is clearly absent in yocur ase. You cannot compromise nor is willing to look beyond my flaws. You kept magnifying them and recording them. What can I do?

I wish I had an answer. Perhaps I think to seek spiritual advice, to stay or to go. What will this lead to? I am tired, really sad that this person that I love so much, is treating me so badly for the longest time. One who kept harping on ‘these two years’ where we had not communicated, when it is clear who is the person who dictated the quantity and intensity of communication. One whose love is so noble that every single ounce hurts because I am expected to give back 1 gazillion litres in return. Totally intolerant of any single mistake of mine and yet, able to tolerate infidelity in others.

I wish to believe that you really love me and that you still do. Yet, everything seems contradictory. I am tired of your conditional love and extreme tryranny. It was partially my fault, for creating this mongster of love and for loving this mongster, despite what she had done. Dear winged Cupid, why can’t you withdraw this sharpened arrow of yours, from my wounding heart? Is it really a doomed love from the start? Is it really wrong, to love someone so much, only to be so hurt in return?

Am I really that detestable? That my actions are all horrible, crappy, lousy, stupid, pathetic, irritating, sickening, uncalled for, lazy, nonsensical ? The list of adjectives can go on and on.. the point is, it is the clouded perception of that very one person. One that never fails to rain sarcasm and hurl abuse, when I did just something OH SO WRONG. Sigh…


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