Good Saturday Morning

I dreamt of bb ! That she spoke of how I slept and cuddled up next to me. When I woke, it is just a dream. She is still this distant person sleeping in the hall. It has been a week and she is still serving me the silent treatment. Just as I thought it got better with an email and photo, she withdrawn again.

I don’t know how long more I can withstand this. It is not just losing her bit by bit, but coming to the realisation of her inability to love me anymore. Is it just towards me or is it her narcissistic personality disorder? I am still nursing from the pain of the infidelity and I am really trying hard to convince myself that there is a future in US by burying the indiscretion.

Yet, I feel the constant blame, bear the brunt of the rude rage and lie in bed to damp pillows. Should I just leave ? Will it make it better?

Sigh. Another horrible weekend.

Let’s see if the arrival of her subordinate will ease the tension.

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Narcissists Have the Personality Traits of An Addict

The more I read, the more I relate.
The more I relate, the more I resign.
The more I resign, the more I detach.
The more I detach, the less I hurt.

I love and hate my narcissistic bb, In the same breath.

After Narcissistic Abuse

addictive-500

Let’s not beat around the bush, Narcissists ARE addicts. Primarily empty vessels but full of shame and envy who make up for their feelings of emptiness through their addiction. What are narcissists addicted to? Supply.

Supply is anything or anyone that gives the narcissist positive affirmation and confirmation of their false identity.

False Identity is “the thing” that narcissists create to give themselves feelings of worthiness and importance. It’s a substitute for true identity, which is based upon realistic positive and negative characteristics that define a person intrinsically and determine the quality of our interactions with others over time.

From there, you can see why its difficult to pin down all the various forms of supply a narcissist can garner to prop up their shanty false image of themselves into one clear cut definition of what narcissists are addicted to.

Where one narcissist might be addicted to fame and fanfare…

View original post 1,684 more words

Another bout of anger

I was bored and don’t feel like going down to buy breakfast because I bought it yesterday and it is super crowded on weekends. I suggested going elsewhere or go together and was rejected. After I let out a ‘huh, me again’, as an expression about going downstairs to buy, she became super angry at me. The whole tirade of ‘ I am unhappy’ speech starts all over. But this time she said something – Get out of my house. I told her that she had no right to chase me out. [Without me, she has no house, without me, she has no car. Without me, she has nothing.]

I chatised her for using vulgarities and was on the brink of bringing up the infidelity. I also told her not to shout so loudly and even tried to be irritating by telling that i would buy 10 packets of food for her.

Upon checking today, I realised why she ignored me when I came back from cats that day. She just checked her alter ego facebook application and probably realised she had been blocked and is in a sore mood.

I am feeling very bitter and resentful today. My past responses of keeping quiet and apologies didn’t help. So now I retaliated. I stomped my feet and stomped out of the house. It might have not helped, but at least I vented out my anger, my repressed emotions.

I don’t know how long I can stay in this emotionally abusive and draining relationship. The more I read So you love an angry person , Selfishness & Narcissism in Family and Relationships and the various articles, the more convinced that there is absolutely no cure for her. By being with someone that is narcissistic, I am only harming myself in the long run. On one hand, she said her colleagues would be surprised to know that she is in a 10-year long relationship, yet she claims she does not feel love for the past 10 years.

What is the definition of love? Love is about caring for that person and wanting to be the best for the person. It is not about picking on that person constantly and scolding her dead. If you don’t love me anymore, just tell me. Stop hurting me like this. I wish I could stop loving you and every time, I turn to you at night, I feel a bout of pain in my heart. For countless nights, tears rolled down my eyes, wondering why do I like like this, always treading on eggshells for years. Why does my every mistake gets magnified and my every good gets brushed off like dust? Why? Have I not done enough or been most tolerant? Who would have stayed in a relationship like this? Why do you hate all these people that I was close to, because you did those bad deeds and they saw the ugly side of you. I do not need to badmouth you, for they have seen for themselves.

Am I such a lousy person that no one else will love me? Am I such a horrible person that I do not deserves just a normal bout of love and affection? I am not even asking for flowers nor sweet nothings, I am just asking to be treated RIGHT. To be given a basic level of respect and forbearance. Empathy is not that difficult, yet you just have to channel all the resentment towards me. Did I put you into jail? Please reflect and look at your own addictions and destructive behaviour. Maybe you should just stay in Doha and we would have better separate lives. In name, in denial, we live together.

What lies ahead? I do not know.

What lies beneath? Bitterness and tears.

Unfathomable

All I did was to ask for a replacement of a poorly executed dish. It was translated into a ‘lack of respect for her, for people’. She went ballistic yet again. Very hurtful words are thrown at me, “I am officially telling you that I will not hesitate to break up with you the next time that something like this happens. I will not move with you to Bedok. I am very unhappy in these 3 months, the past 10 years. I am unable to live with someone who cannot respect others, their parents and me. You are incorrigible. Nobody can lives with you”.

I kept reading every day on matters related to her –

  • personality disorders – borderline personality and narcissistic personality
  • emotional abuse
  • recovering from infidelity

But I cannot just do it all alone. No matter how much I read or understand, it will not change a single thing because the problem is not with me. She will never believe that she has a problem at all. She will just attribute all the blame to me. I am also very tired, of being the punching bag. While she tear, I also felt my heart breaking. All she could do, is to be more forgiving and patient. Yet, she can’t. She just treats me with disdain.

While watching ‘Blue is the warmest colour’, it reminds me of our stolen moments. Yet it also reminds me of the infidelity. I am still very very bitter and trying very hard to forgive and forget. It is casting a shadow and I am trying very hard to love her more. To be more loving, yet she is always using a yardstick to constantly remind me that I am not worthy of her love. That she does not want to be close to me, that I am in the negative, I need to do so much more. I really don’t know when it will be, before I finally tell her to get back to her f**king P***ys. Because I am never good enough, even if I do well today, I will be picked on tomorrow. It is just eggshells every day, like a minesweeper game.

Maybe I should learn to be like CH. Try to find someone else to love me, than always trying so hard to find love in her.

Maybe I should listen to ET, she reminds me that she told me that I am not her gf and I am still trying to love the old her.

I went to the temple to ask about her and it was a good lot. Yet now, it seems otherwise. How much more can I do?

Even sleeping early and waking early is frowned upon, because it was not aligned to her sleeping habits. How tyrannical can a person get? I am the world’s biggest fool. To stay, be abused, in the name of love.

I think she will hit the roof, if she ever chance upon this blog, my twitter and facebook account.