Unfathomable

All I did was to ask for a replacement of a poorly executed dish. It was translated into a ‘lack of respect for her, for people’. She went ballistic yet again. Very hurtful words are thrown at me, “I am officially telling you that I will not hesitate to break up with you the next time that something like this happens. I will not move with you to Bedok. I am very unhappy in these 3 months, the past 10 years. I am unable to live with someone who cannot respect others, their parents and me. You are incorrigible. Nobody can lives with you”.

I kept reading every day on matters related to her –

  • personality disorders – borderline personality and narcissistic personality
  • emotional abuse
  • recovering from infidelity

But I cannot just do it all alone. No matter how much I read or understand, it will not change a single thing because the problem is not with me. She will never believe that she has a problem at all. She will just attribute all the blame to me. I am also very tired, of being the punching bag. While she tear, I also felt my heart breaking. All she could do, is to be more forgiving and patient. Yet, she can’t. She just treats me with disdain.

While watching ‘Blue is the warmest colour’, it reminds me of our stolen moments. Yet it also reminds me of the infidelity. I am still very very bitter and trying very hard to forgive and forget. It is casting a shadow and I am trying very hard to love her more. To be more loving, yet she is always using a yardstick to constantly remind me that I am not worthy of her love. That she does not want to be close to me, that I am in the negative, I need to do so much more. I really don’t know when it will be, before I finally tell her to get back to her f**king P***ys. Because I am never good enough, even if I do well today, I will be picked on tomorrow. It is just eggshells every day, like a minesweeper game.

Maybe I should learn to be like CH. Try to find someone else to love me, than always trying so hard to find love in her.

Maybe I should listen to ET, she reminds me that she told me that I am not her gf and I am still trying to love the old her.

I went to the temple to ask about her and it was a good lot. Yet now, it seems otherwise. How much more can I do?

Even sleeping early and waking early is frowned upon, because it was not aligned to her sleeping habits. How tyrannical can a person get? I am the world’s biggest fool. To stay, be abused, in the name of love.

I think she will hit the roof, if she ever chance upon this blog, my twitter and facebook account.

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