Another bout of anger

I was bored and don’t feel like going down to buy breakfast because I bought it yesterday and it is super crowded on weekends. I suggested going elsewhere or go together and was rejected. After I let out a ‘huh, me again’, as an expression about going downstairs to buy, she became super angry at me. The whole tirade of ‘ I am unhappy’ speech starts all over. But this time she said something – Get out of my house. I told her that she had no right to chase me out. [Without me, she has no house, without me, she has no car. Without me, she has nothing.]

I chatised her for using vulgarities and was on the brink of bringing up the infidelity. I also told her not to shout so loudly and even tried to be irritating by telling that i would buy 10 packets of food for her.

Upon checking today, I realised why she ignored me when I came back from cats that day. She just checked her alter ego facebook application and probably realised she had been blocked and is in a sore mood.

I am feeling very bitter and resentful today. My past responses of keeping quiet and apologies didn’t help. So now I retaliated. I stomped my feet and stomped out of the house. It might have not helped, but at least I vented out my anger, my repressed emotions.

I don’t know how long I can stay in this emotionally abusive and draining relationship. The more I read So you love an angry person , Selfishness & Narcissism in Family and Relationships and the various articles, the more convinced that there is absolutely no cure for her. By being with someone that is narcissistic, I am only harming myself in the long run. On one hand, she said her colleagues would be surprised to know that she is in a 10-year long relationship, yet she claims she does not feel love for the past 10 years.

What is the definition of love? Love is about caring for that person and wanting to be the best for the person. It is not about picking on that person constantly and scolding her dead. If you don’t love me anymore, just tell me. Stop hurting me like this. I wish I could stop loving you and every time, I turn to you at night, I feel a bout of pain in my heart. For countless nights, tears rolled down my eyes, wondering why do I like like this, always treading on eggshells for years. Why does my every mistake gets magnified and my every good gets brushed off like dust? Why? Have I not done enough or been most tolerant? Who would have stayed in a relationship like this? Why do you hate all these people that I was close to, because you did those bad deeds and they saw the ugly side of you. I do not need to badmouth you, for they have seen for themselves.

Am I such a lousy person that no one else will love me? Am I such a horrible person that I do not deserves just a normal bout of love and affection? I am not even asking for flowers nor sweet nothings, I am just asking to be treated RIGHT. To be given a basic level of respect and forbearance. Empathy is not that difficult, yet you just have to channel all the resentment towards me. Did I put you into jail? Please reflect and look at your own addictions and destructive behaviour. Maybe you should just stay in Doha and we would have better separate lives. In name, in denial, we live together.

What lies ahead? I do not know.

What lies beneath? Bitterness and tears.

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