At my loneliest and saddest

Today I felt like killing myself. Because I am feeling very down and out. Ostracized by my family and emotionally abused by the love of my life. Once again, I was being banished to consume my food in the room by the Mongster. After that, I was told to close the bedroom door because I was creating a din with my packing.

I felt devalued through and through. I don’t understand why am I being treated in such a way. Does it feel good to treat your loved one like dirt? Does it feel good to stay angry and keep meting out the silent treatment? Is it me at all?

For once, I felt enthusiastic to complete my home. One that I can stay alone and be free from all these pain. One that we once wanted to build with love and passion – ceased to exist anymore. It is just me and myself. I need to learn to take care of myself. To be independent – to buy my own car and my own furnishings. Never depend on others whose self-interests come first. Who never ever appreciate and only pays lip service when it comes to payment. Someone who buys friendship and kinship. Someone who don’t even give me the basic respect of a human being. Continue shouting at me… Just keep hurting me. This well of tears will dry soon.

I ll be strong. For myself and I.

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Happy Valentines Day To Those Of Us With Shattered Hearts

I was so busy wrapping the present and writing the card quietly in the dark with the torch from my iPhone that I forgot to take a photo of it.

I was so afraid to ask what is our (or rather her) plan that I waited for an opportunity on that morning.

I was so dejected after hearing that tone of disdain (yet again) coupled with ‘U mean dinner with you? I ll get my own’.

I was so reminded of last v-day delivery efforts that was once again unappreciated.

I was so sad when we sang those love songs at the karaoke last night and I was longing for just some affection and respect.

I was so determined to break up with her because I kept seeing this entire vicious cycle of hot and cold treatment being hurled at me, with varying intensity and duration.

I was so sorry for myself that I cried again today because she cannot answer when she will no longer be angry.

I was trying hard to love her so much that I can’t see that she loves me no more.

I was hers and I am mine now.

So Long Sociopath

To those of us with shattered hearts, the ones who have associated the word “love” with “fear”, “remorse”, “rejection” and “pain”. Us who fall short of a true smile most days because there is a silent disease that lays like a shadow over our every action, step and movement.

To those of us who know what it feels like to have our hearts broken like glass on a concrete floor, repaired with the glue of lies, put back together with false hope and then thrown carelessly to their demise again…

To those of us who fight daily with a darkness that is an epidemic to our health, sanity and self esteem, to all of us who know that loving that darkness can be confusing, addicting and life altering.

To those of us who feel love like a thousand razor blades to our souls as we bleed out all that…

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Tears of disappointment

When I saw her message that she is having dinner with her colleague at foodfare, I could feel tears just dwelling up. Jealousy aside, its the disregard for my feelings and my needs, absolutely. At that very moment, I felt very very hurt and very down. Why must she treat me like this? Where do I stand right now – nothing but a housemate? When I walked to the rockwall, I could not take it anymore and started crying. I felt so sorry for myself and being such a pathetic soul to weep for a creep who does not even care for me. I really felt like leaving her, so that she will stop torturing me. Yet, I cannot show my sadness, my anger, my disappointment, my hurt at all, because it will just bring about another bout of shouting and abusive words from her end. I knew all these too well.

I just swallowed my pride, my pain, my hurt and my disappointment and continued talking to her in a normal tone. She merely asked, ‘what were you doing in office’, which doesn’t even seem sincere in listening to my response. After a while, the whole car went quiet and we travelled home in silence. I am tired of the small talk and enough of her work. My mind starts to wander… my heart starts to break all over again.

I did think of the upcoming valentine’s day and our initial plan. Now, I dare not even ask, because I know that hurtful words will come out of her mouth instead – the usual, ‘if u are happy, everyday is also valentine’s. If you are unhappy, nothing really matters, whichever day it is’. Why can’t life be happy everyday and happier on special days? Why must she always be such a wet blanket and it doesn’t hurt to be nice. Maybe it is just me. She can never be nice to me anymore. My colleague asked if we want to go for dinner and karaoke on Saturday after our office’s event. I dare not even commit, because I don’t want to disappoint them. But I had a strong feeling that I am coming back to an empty house, one that is filled with gloom.

Tomorrow supposedly is a happy day for me where I complete my first appointment for my house. Yet, I feel so alone, that is my own. No longer our home. Unless the times that we went to view and do our space planning. Now, I am left to fend for myself. Not a single cent is returned to me at all. So much for telling me that she will make my HDB dream come true too. I must be such a fool, to keep believing in all these lies, to keep believing in the Love. Love that once existed and dissipated. All that is left standing, is but an empty shell with a hardened heart. Why do I still want to cling onto it? Tell me why? Just like the Aaron kwok ‘s song that came onto the radio today (lyrics below).

到底有谁能够告诉我 要怎样回到从前
有你在我身边 拿生命换都情愿
到底有谁能够告诉我 要怎样回到从前
随风作流浪的梦 和你再相逢

请你告诉我 是谁说最坚强的承诺
如今却变得脆弱
请你告诉我 是谁说要永远的等候
如今让我孤独地走
轰轰烈烈 风风光光
我又曾经拥有甚么
来来去去 过过往往
真心付出结果又如何 请告诉我

Stop living in the past! It has passed and her heart will never return.

You know it will never be the same. She has changed, why don’t you too?

Let go… you will heal.

Hurtful words – 伤心的话留到明天再说!

“不适合!分手!”

今时的你已不如从前。那股怨气仍然含着。对我是一肚子的不满。命令我去房间吃饭是你对我的惩罚。那你又何必和我聊天,叫我帮你做工?

我是一个人,有血有肉!不是一台机器,也不是出气筒!我只做错一件事-就是太爱你。如叮当唱着“没那么爱你,就没那么伤心”。

从今天起,我一定会好好照顾我自己的心灵。不再为妳掉眼泪,不再让自己那么为屈。

梁文莹唱“哭过就好了,伤都会好的.”

Enough is enough.

Feeling so alone

I don’t know how long you will want to punish me until. It is very painful and I am hurting like hell. There are choices in life and you chose to be negative about it.

Punishing my family for your outburst. Sure! Just continue treating me like dirt. One day, I ll stand up for myself and make good. I ll try to find someone else to love me, I don’t believe the world stops at you. I once love you so much too, U made me disillusioned ! A person can only hurt so much and it pains me. If you can’t love me anymore, let me go. Stop using my love for you.

Never felt lonelier. This half a year had been really painful and the betrayal brought a different dimension to this relationship. Something that I once refused to let go, however hard it becomes, is slowly crumbling. I am feeling really sad and lonely. It’s always all about YOU anyway, my feelings never did matter, or rather I never did matter.

Me, living for us, while you live, just for yourself.

My struggling self , my lonesome self, my battered self and my torn self. I wish I had the courage to get the tattoo like you did, as a stark reminder of this cold love. But actually, I made the scar awhile ago and it takes some real reminders. Please wake up !!!!