When I saw her message that she is having dinner with her colleague at foodfare, I could feel tears just dwelling up. Jealousy aside, its the disregard for my feelings and my needs, absolutely. At that very moment, I felt very very hurt and very down. Why must she treat me like this? Where do I stand right now – nothing but a housemate? When I walked to the rockwall, I could not take it anymore and started crying. I felt so sorry for myself and being such a pathetic soul to weep for a creep who does not even care for me. I really felt like leaving her, so that she will stop torturing me. Yet, I cannot show my sadness, my anger, my disappointment, my hurt at all, because it will just bring about another bout of shouting and abusive words from her end. I knew all these too well.
I just swallowed my pride, my pain, my hurt and my disappointment and continued talking to her in a normal tone. She merely asked, ‘what were you doing in office’, which doesn’t even seem sincere in listening to my response. After a while, the whole car went quiet and we travelled home in silence. I am tired of the small talk and enough of her work. My mind starts to wander… my heart starts to break all over again.
I did think of the upcoming valentine’s day and our initial plan. Now, I dare not even ask, because I know that hurtful words will come out of her mouth instead – the usual, ‘if u are happy, everyday is also valentine’s. If you are unhappy, nothing really matters, whichever day it is’. Why can’t life be happy everyday and happier on special days? Why must she always be such a wet blanket and it doesn’t hurt to be nice. Maybe it is just me. She can never be nice to me anymore. My colleague asked if we want to go for dinner and karaoke on Saturday after our office’s event. I dare not even commit, because I don’t want to disappoint them. But I had a strong feeling that I am coming back to an empty house, one that is filled with gloom.
Tomorrow supposedly is a happy day for me where I complete my first appointment for my house. Yet, I feel so alone, that is my own. No longer our home. Unless the times that we went to view and do our space planning. Now, I am left to fend for myself. Not a single cent is returned to me at all. So much for telling me that she will make my HDB dream come true too. I must be such a fool, to keep believing in all these lies, to keep believing in the Love. Love that once existed and dissipated. All that is left standing, is but an empty shell with a hardened heart. Why do I still want to cling onto it? Tell me why? Just like the Aaron kwok ‘s song that came onto the radio today (lyrics below).
Stop living in the past! It has passed and her heart will never return.
You know it will never be the same. She has changed, why don’t you too?
Let go… you will heal.