“I think it is really time to talk about the 2 of us. I don’t want to drag any further. “
My tears cannot stop after reading the above text. Even the blind can feel the looming break up. I kept asking myself, what have I done to deserves this? Despite giving up everything and giving in to her for everything, she wants to break up with me. If I had just gone to buy breakfast that fateful morning? Would it have helped? It might just delay this whole process – where we will have a nice valentine’s and anniversary celebration before the next meltdown.
I had tried my best in the past 9 months – to be supportive and to win her back, since her return from Qatar. Even though it pains me to find out all the truths, I continued to love her the same and be accommodating. But to her, I cannot make a single mistake, the moment that I do, I get lambasted – real bad at times. I think this time is the worst, because she stayed in the hall for a long time, building up all her resentment and unhappiness. I have heard her say that she is “unhappy” for the longest time and I did ask her, what could I do about it? Perhaps, the unhappiness stems from me instead. She is just unhappy with me and my presence – I reminded her too much of all her past mistakes. And my continued existence reminds her of her gaps since I have an overly critical and overbearing personality. One that she cannot tolerate nor love.
She had checked out of our relationship in the past 2 years. But I let her be, because I love her so much. The first cut is always the deepest and I reckon, I will never heal from this heartbreak. Maybe time will find me someone new, but it will never be the same. I don’t know if I can love as deeply or I am always sabotaging my own relationship. Perhaps, I am not destined to be happy ever. I truly believed in ‘Happily Ever After’ which is why I stayed on for so long, feeding on those memories of goodness, while burying bad memories of pain and hurt.
I had been having insomnia for the past 2 months, since she moved out of the room. I wish I could turn back time and gone to the market that very morning instead. For a moment, I thought she became better after chinese new year, the spiteful mongster returns. I guess, this is it. I cannot force her to do anything, nor saying anything more will aggravate the situation. I am not sure if she wants to share anything but one for sure, I will end up crying, which she will absolutely HATES.
The 6-hour tea session in Doha ended with tears and us missing each other so much. I think this time will be very different. She is no longer willing to give us a second chance and in the past 5 years, I think worse things had happened. She will point the finger at me, deep inside in her heart. Because narcissistic sociopaths have no flaws, only everyone else.
I will take time to heal. I will be loved. Some day by someone who finds me worthy. Rather than always crying and lamenting over my self-worth. Just because I wanted to be loved.