Unwanted affections 

    

After hearing she is sick, the instinctive reaction is to get stuff for her so that she can rest well. I hesitated but knew that I would feel uneasy if I don’t go. Is it selfish of me to want to care for her? Is it pure stubbornness based on past experiences ? I never thought I would be this detested. For a moment again, I felt like hurling myself down that roof. 

I made the decision based on my knowledge of her habits (lazy to go out and rather be cooped at home because of illness). Maybe I am really foolish and forgiving, that I can ignore all the spiteful and rude rage that were thrown at me previously. The constant observation if she had woken up and trying to arrive before she does just down the drain altogether. 

This seems repetitive, a year ago. She was the same. Told me not to send anymore photos to her, for she ll delete them. Said I am no longer her gf and yet cannot explain what I am. Just a supply source that the narcissistic can keep near her? 

I kept crying at work. I remember these feelings in 2009-2010. I was hurting for myself. Fast forward 5 years, just as I thought we are now stable and better off. History repeats itself. Seems like I am only good for bad times, never good times. All that I had weathered are never cherished, all that I had unwittingly/provocatively done are magnified and vilified. 

At least I got four full hours of sleep today. I don’t know how long this whole saga will continue. The crying bouts are likely to stay for a while as I nurse the hurts within me. 

   

 

A girl who is willing to delay her instant gratification just to help you save a couple of hundreds is a keeper. You chose to drive her away. Leaving her broken soul on the cold concrete streets. Curled in a corner, with her tattered heart. 

 

 

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