Troubled

I had been feeling troubled for the past two months and it had disrupted my sleep patterns. I am also emotionally drained and weepy, especially with this week. 

Why does the person that I care most about, care least about me? While others are nice and chirpy, I am nursing my tattered heart which I concealed deeply. 

Do I even ask about Saturday when tomorrow comes? If I ask, it sounds like I can’t wait to break up. If I don’t ask, she thinks that I don’t care. I am in catch 22 – darn if I do, darn if I don’t! Exactly how I felt when I stepped into the house. The poignant moments of familiarity and strangeness of the new furniture greeted me. She is already leading her own life and no wonder she does not want to drag it further. Just throw my things out and she can do what she wants. Even bring the OW over and inherit all their problems. Maybe that will make her happy and loved. 

As I slept on her bed to catch a wink, I felt a sense of weariness coming upon me. How much longer do I want to cry? How come she can be so cold hearted? Sigh. I will propose for counseling if she thinks there is still a chance. Otherwise, I think that is it. For us. 

I chanced upon an article by a cancer patient who wrote to our late founding prime minister. He emphasized on the importance of sharing one’s life with another and how he felt fortunate for having his wife. I wonder what will she say of me? I can’t tell anymore? It seems like a myriad of emotions instead. One that I stood by her, yet one that I drove her raving mad. I wish I knew. The gap has widened so much that we probably cannot hold a decent conversation anymore. 

 

The ball has never ever been in my court before. 连分开都迁就着你。你要我说多难看,我根本不想分开。

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