Living in Denial

If I just hide myself in my blanket, will it go away?

If I just sleep and sleep, will it go away?

If I just don’t wake up, will it go away?

Why do I live like this? Why am I in such pain? Why does it come to such?

Maybe it is safer.

Maybe we don’t need to break up in this way.

Maybe we can be together forever.

Found a letter in my yahoo mail entitled memories which described our love story from 2004 – 2009 with photographs dotting the margins. I had forgotten all about it and I am sure she had too. I must have taken many hours to write all those during that time. I wonder if I should start penning one for 2010 – 2015, if it even matters at all. Maybe years down the road, I will still be the person who reads it on my own. Just like a lovelorn lover, on my own, for the longest time.


An old entry from my laptop, written in late February / early March: 


Yesterday I had a very angry moment with my idiotic american boss. I had done a draft for a submission last week for an outline for proposal due on Monday.  He did not communicate his intention clearly and conveniently blamed me when we missed the deadline. I was hopping mad and almost wanted to leave my job because I felt that I am working for an IDIOT. For a moment, I felt super burdened by my bond and wanted to leave because I knew that I have NOTHING more to learn if I continue to work under this boss for the next 2 years. And what’s worse is to be helping him with his work somemore!

For the past 2 days, I kept crying and feeling very sad for myself. I asked myself, why am I treated in such a manner? Why can’t she just forgive and forget? Then I think back, if it was me, would I be disappointed and angry? Probably I would too. And I think back, when was the last time we chatted, it was while I was helping out at her mum’s shop, when all is well. Perhaps, it was me who had spoilt it again, by being stubborn about her needing to fetch me. But when she came to ask me to fetch her, I thought she was ok already, yet, she turned all cold again. I don’t know how long this cold war will last again and I hate being banished to eat in the room. What will come out of this? Will she really stay in AMK? Will she move with me to Bedok? Will we just break up? It was really a depressing week. I kept photographing my teary face, because I want it to be a stark reminder for my emotional well-being. One that I hope to heal. Why do I not ever learn about lending her money and paying for stuff in advance? Please, for the last time, don’t ever offer to pay anything in advance and if she offers to get me something, just buy it on the spot. DO NOT WAIT, because she will not get it for me again.

When I saw her bag, I felt sad, it was like she didn’t consult me and it looks branded. It could have been spent on my wallet too. Sigh, now I super regret not getting that Prada or Chanel wallet on the spot. At least, it is mine and I can flaunt it.

It’s ren ri today. I don’t even know the plans for tonight. For all you know, she will be eating with her colleagues again and I had to wait like a fool here. I hate this feelings!!!!!!!!!! I hate my life now…..

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