Keys

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When your staff came to borrow my keys last week, I knew this was coming and flatly refused. When I relented this week, the harsh outcome appeared. You hit the roof and took back what was rightfully YOURS. Indeed.

I sobbed uncontrollably in office that day. Deeply saddened by your callous heart and selfish actions. You could have told me to return it to you, than to convey it to me through a third party. You would rather that I never come back right? I held the keys for over 3 years and never did I complain about the countless times of cleaning and furnishings. Now, you just heartlessly booted me now. Are you going to throw out my things too? I felt really really down and unfortunately my new staff caught my vulnerable sad face. She was shocked and was very concerned. All the more, I felt even more hurt because the very person that I loved, does not even care for me anymore. Maybe this is it.

I just continued with my work and didn’t winch. Until another colleague came and we left together for dinner. A pint of beer and truffle fries could not drown my sorrows a single bit. I could not sleep till 4am. I started to nurse a cough but it is my wounded heart that hurt the most.

Thanks for taking the keys to your house back. It is another push for me to make up my mind to leave. One that I can never bear to, for so long.

On Friday night, you sent me an email to edit Didi’s photo. Does your mind auto-reset that you just hurt me badly on Wednesday or that I am nothing but a lowly slave to you? Perhaps subconsciously, it hurt so bad that I forgot all about it, and rather lying in bed with my two phoes – continuously nursing my wounds. Until I saw your second email to ‘kindly ignore’ where I realised ‘Alas, how did I forget?’. I deleted the reason and reckon nothing matters anymore.

On Saturday, I rode out. The skies are beautiful and the sounds of happy conversations are all around the park, Gardens by the bay, Marina Bay Sands and more. I was still trying very hard to forget you. I tried reminding myself that the world can be such a happier place and I should treat myself better. Maybe, I should. You are no longer good for me and I had enough. Do I still need to ask and hurt myself when it is so clear that you don’t love me anymore. Are we even cooling off or just calling it off? Though I knew, I can’t bring myself to affirm it.

For a moment on Saturday, I was stumbled for words and if only I was more courageous and less hung up on you.

Today, I saw that you left our siblings’ chat group since Thursday. Seems like you are determined to go. Farewell, my love.

I

The car 

  

I rented a car for tomb sweeping. 

I am paying for her car. 

I am paying for her car park at work. 

I am paying for her car park at home. 

I am taking public transport. 

I am riding my bike. 

I am stupid. 

I love her. 

Happy 11th anniversary 

I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do today. Despite asking twice on Sunday if she wanted to do dinner, she said she is still unwell. I tried a last-ditch effort today by proposing massage which is something that she likes. I was expecting to be chided, but she just say no because she had to work late due to event preparation. At least she didn’t get angry with me. I was quite worried that she would. 

I wanted to send our 2004 photo to her, but I was afraid that she would get angry instead and scold me for disturbing her. So I took a safer approach and just reminded her to take meals and medications. Though I really wanted to say thank you for loving me and to say I love you to her. 

My initial plan of going to the beach alone with the entire cake was abandoned. Went for massage and shopping. Came back around 10pm with my cake. Still thinking whether to bring some for her Tmr.. See how then.. Dunno if she will eat it or just give away. 

    

   Happy anniversary bb boo boo Jing! Love you for now, for always.