Good Saturday Morning

I dreamt of bb ! That she spoke of how I slept and cuddled up next to me. When I woke, it is just a dream. She is still this distant person sleeping in the hall. It has been a week and she is still serving me the silent treatment. Just as I thought it got better with an email and photo, she withdrawn again.

I don’t know how long more I can withstand this. It is not just losing her bit by bit, but coming to the realisation of her inability to love me anymore. Is it just towards me or is it her narcissistic personality disorder? I am still nursing from the pain of the infidelity and I am really trying hard to convince myself that there is a future in US by burying the indiscretion.

Yet, I feel the constant blame, bear the brunt of the rude rage and lie in bed to damp pillows. Should I just leave ? Will it make it better?

Sigh. Another horrible weekend.

Let’s see if the arrival of her subordinate will ease the tension.

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Cognitive Dissonance

I was just googling this term – Cognitive Dissonance (Festinger,1957) and only to find it appearing in my course lecture tonight. According to Wikipedia, it is defined as “the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values.”

This feelings of dissonance had been plaguing me for the longest time, which explains why I often chose to antagonise her, to feel better for myself. The right to stand up and the demand for basic respect. The need to shout for attention and voice my opinion of those suppressed inner-thoughts.

I was very upset when she let the grumpy self got the better of her before my food delivery on Friday morning. If you cannot be appreciate, the least you need to do, is to be nasty. I didn’t wake up at 6.30am, rushed to get so much food, only to be chided for being there. Anyone else would at least rain me with a hug or kiss, for that loving effort. But you? Questioning my presence and giving me that look of disdain is enough to put me off this entire weekend. Not to mention the lack of responsibility towards your OWN flat’s upgrading to begin with. I am sick and f**king tired of being the housekeeper, maid, banker, rescuer, doormat and being unappreciated for the longest time. It is not just texting to say that each time and throwing it all away whenever other things come up.

I kept telling myself that ‘THIS IS IT’ and yet, I end up being all cooed and gooey when I empathise with her. I need to stop feeling this way. I need to constantly remind myself to stop feeling for this selfish person who never ever puts in a single % into this relationship. Stop being sucked into her warped theories of things and ridiculous behaviours. I am going to learn to cherish other people, whoever it can be, whoever it will be. I will not shut others out, even if they will ultimately be labelled as friends. In this way, I am only being fair to myself.

I have so many things on hard – juggling studies, work, upcoming vacation, physical overhaul and yet I have to keep babysitting this mongster that triggers a tear-stained face journey each time. Stop telling me that you will pay me, which you know you won’t. I am never ever going to let myself be manipulated by you again. A decade is more than enough and I know I will definitely be better off.

Brace and walk on. I can do it. When I look back, I will be glad that I left, than to stay. It is not about being stronger to stay, but simply utterly pointless. Many would have walked out earlier, I am those few that had stayed. You would argued over your stupid theory of being ‘nice and soft-hearted’ to me, when you never really did. Bye bye bye.

Thank you for opening the platinum account

Thank you for your interests in applying online for an account for phone betting yesterday.

You are so smart to list my telephone number and didn’t think for a second that they would contact me?

This is it.

It affirms once again that you are an incorrigible gambler. Once again chasing after the losses and dreaming of the elusive wins. Never thinking of how you cannot afford to lose, even that single dollar.

I am very tired of all these. Stop telling me that you are going bersek. All these are consequences of your own doings. I am sure part of you blames me, that I made you stay away for lunar new year and then be introduced to Philippines. You will never think of me, when I cried for hours at night and cleaned the house in tears.

I still don’t understand what you mean by keeping the single bed empty for you. Do you still think I would want to stay with you while living in separate rooms? I guess I had enough.

I will still do some cleaning and putting the bed sheets but I won’t stay over. I will only appear on wed to pick you. I hath my life to lead and you chose not to be part of it. I had given you so many chances that I lost count.

Adieu. Good luck with the bets.

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An assortment of emotions

Can’t quite pinpoint exactly the kind of feelings that I have now.

A sense of rush as I am left with little time to prepare the necessary.

A sense of elation to hear from you again.

A sense of frustration at my own indecisiveness.

A sense of burden as I had to stomach.

A sense of resignation as I come to terms.

Let’s hear what the heart says, cometh wednesday.

ATM

I am an ATM. Only for withdrawing money. Never depositing. Forever debiting. Besides debiting money, debit my emotions as well. My heart is broken, torn, tattered and will soon be dead.

Despite all that you had done, I thought of you often. Of our happier moments. I kept reminding myself – this too shall pass. I will not look back and I will be deserving loved. But as I got your email, I am now engulfed in tears and sadness.

Why things come to such ? Why you never learn ? I am sure you will blame me again. For cursing your relatives dead which led to your displeasure and then to this Philippines trip. Am I the trigger point? Think again. If you think deeper to my outburst, which is actually a call for attention. I need to beg for attention because it is no longer a given. You would much rather spend your time with others than me. Yet I still hanker after that tiny bit of attention.

Everything mistake I make gets magnified and all that I do are your bestowed privileges. I must be farking blind to be treated so badly for so long and still believing you love me. You don’t. You only love yourself. If you love me, you won’t treat me like that. But I love you still. I love you so much that I lost myself.

Time after time, u get into trouble. When will you ever learn? Just because I never ask for the money to be returned, it’s taken for granted.

The whole wide world is at fault. It’s not. You just took the easy route to blame the world. You will never be satisfied. Never.

I will still help you. Maybe this final time. I had enough. Stop adding to my pain. I need to walk away.

ATM is out of order. Please find another bank.

What did I do wrong ?

Seriously, all these had repeated itself time and time again. Why did I allow myself to keep falling into this trap?

If only I said no. If only I not ask again.

If only. If only. But why me ?

It’s clear for all to see. Just not me.

When someone tells it to your face. ‘Except for the money I still owe you, I have no more feelings for you’.

I said ‘thanks for telling me’ and then person can retort with ‘you are welcome’.

What is there more to say?

It’s over, babe! Stop looking back and move on. She is not worth it.

Stop getting your heart trampled time and time again.

Move💃

Love bank

A close friend reminded me of the concept of the love bank today. She remarked that bb made too many withdrawals and barely made any deposits.

I tried to defend by insisting that she did, with her photos, a nice watch and email. But if you scratch beneath the surface, you know it’s just blank; like an ‘thank you for participation’ scratch card. One that just gives you an momentary element of hope, but does nothing in the end. I am still back at square one.

My emotional needs had been neglected for the longest time. I should have noticed but I chose to live in oblivion. A term long associated with my persona. One that of selective memory and attention so that pains just buried. Maybe I am still trying to love this unlovable person.

Lately, I could feel myself being sad, old and feeble. It’s like an introspection to ages 40, 50, and 60. How long can I still stand being holed like this? I kept pinning inspirational quotes to my board on Pinterest. But the more the pin, the weaker in faith I felt. Is it just another low point in my life that I had to weather it out alone again? Where tears kept me company through the silence of the night.

All these will be over, once bb opens the gate to let me in again. But deep inside, I do resent this banishment, from time to time. Why are my mistakes magnified and my acts of love taken for granted? Why am I not worthy of love and patience? Why am I always made to feel sad and bad?

She kept saying she is unhappy with her life. Why can’t she just list them all down and we can talk it over ? Why can’t we just try a little bit harder? 我也不想这样得过且过。我真得<>为什么<<你不是真正的快乐>>和<<你为什么说谎>>?!在一个已经没法再坦白从宽的感情里,只是继续对比此加上隐形的甲板。隔离之间只有生熟和逞强。"怎么了?你累了?<<说好的幸福呢?>>我懂了,爱淡了"。<<我的心真的受伤了>>。

保重!我走了。I hath always thought it takes more courage to stay than to leave. I stayed and I just got my broken heart tattered further. All I can do now, is to bring my broken and tattered heart away with me. I did try and for so long. I can’t anymore. I am tired of this superhuman expectations. I am just someone asking to be held and loved. Nothing more.

I am closing this account. Sorry. 😭