The car 

  

I rented a car for tomb sweeping. 

I am paying for her car. 

I am paying for her car park at work. 

I am paying for her car park at home. 

I am taking public transport. 

I am riding my bike. 

I am stupid. 

I love her. 

Happy 11th anniversary 

I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do today. Despite asking twice on Sunday if she wanted to do dinner, she said she is still unwell. I tried a last-ditch effort today by proposing massage which is something that she likes. I was expecting to be chided, but she just say no because she had to work late due to event preparation. At least she didn’t get angry with me. I was quite worried that she would. 

I wanted to send our 2004 photo to her, but I was afraid that she would get angry instead and scold me for disturbing her. So I took a safer approach and just reminded her to take meals and medications. Though I really wanted to say thank you for loving me and to say I love you to her. 

My initial plan of going to the beach alone with the entire cake was abandoned. Went for massage and shopping. Came back around 10pm with my cake. Still thinking whether to bring some for her Tmr.. See how then.. Dunno if she will eat it or just give away. 

    

   Happy anniversary bb boo boo Jing! Love you for now, for always. 

Is There a Happy Ending with a Narcissist?

Is it really true? I had been searching for happiness with my narcissist. Everytime when I thought I felt some happiness, again I am plunged right back in hell.

I don’t know what more I could ever do. I am hurting like hell and everyday I kept crying and crying.

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

Antonia-Michaelis-alone-happy-princess-change-ending-Meetville-Quotes-185652

Several people used these search terms to find my site recently, so I thought it would be a good idea to write a post to satisfy inquiring minds.

Previously, it was believed that only 1% of the population is affected by NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).  However, this figure is outdated and is only an estimate based on the number of people who were diagnosed with the disorder.  It’s recently been determined that most Narcissists refuse to seek therapy, and the ones who do don’t stay around long enough to be analyzed.  Therefore, there is a much larger percentage of undiagnosed Narcissists roaming the earth, causing great destruction within the hearts of their partners and the communities in which they live.

Most victims who start their research on Narcissism come across the DSM’s description of NPD.  You know the one…A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for…

View original post 1,317 more words

Living in Denial

If I just hide myself in my blanket, will it go away?

If I just sleep and sleep, will it go away?

If I just don’t wake up, will it go away?

Why do I live like this? Why am I in such pain? Why does it come to such?

Maybe it is safer.

Maybe we don’t need to break up in this way.

Maybe we can be together forever.

Found a letter in my yahoo mail entitled memories which described our love story from 2004 – 2009 with photographs dotting the margins. I had forgotten all about it and I am sure she had too. I must have taken many hours to write all those during that time. I wonder if I should start penning one for 2010 – 2015, if it even matters at all. Maybe years down the road, I will still be the person who reads it on my own. Just like a lovelorn lover, on my own, for the longest time.

_________________________________________________________________________

An old entry from my laptop, written in late February / early March: 

_________________________________________________________________________

Yesterday I had a very angry moment with my idiotic american boss. I had done a draft for a submission last week for an outline for proposal due on Monday.  He did not communicate his intention clearly and conveniently blamed me when we missed the deadline. I was hopping mad and almost wanted to leave my job because I felt that I am working for an IDIOT. For a moment, I felt super burdened by my bond and wanted to leave because I knew that I have NOTHING more to learn if I continue to work under this boss for the next 2 years. And what’s worse is to be helping him with his work somemore!

For the past 2 days, I kept crying and feeling very sad for myself. I asked myself, why am I treated in such a manner? Why can’t she just forgive and forget? Then I think back, if it was me, would I be disappointed and angry? Probably I would too. And I think back, when was the last time we chatted, it was while I was helping out at her mum’s shop, when all is well. Perhaps, it was me who had spoilt it again, by being stubborn about her needing to fetch me. But when she came to ask me to fetch her, I thought she was ok already, yet, she turned all cold again. I don’t know how long this cold war will last again and I hate being banished to eat in the room. What will come out of this? Will she really stay in AMK? Will she move with me to Bedok? Will we just break up? It was really a depressing week. I kept photographing my teary face, because I want it to be a stark reminder for my emotional well-being. One that I hope to heal. Why do I not ever learn about lending her money and paying for stuff in advance? Please, for the last time, don’t ever offer to pay anything in advance and if she offers to get me something, just buy it on the spot. DO NOT WAIT, because she will not get it for me again.

When I saw her bag, I felt sad, it was like she didn’t consult me and it looks branded. It could have been spent on my wallet too. Sigh, now I super regret not getting that Prada or Chanel wallet on the spot. At least, it is mine and I can flaunt it.

It’s ren ri today. I don’t even know the plans for tonight. For all you know, she will be eating with her colleagues again and I had to wait like a fool here. I hate this feelings!!!!!!!!!! I hate my life now…..

Troubled

I had been feeling troubled for the past two months and it had disrupted my sleep patterns. I am also emotionally drained and weepy, especially with this week. 

Why does the person that I care most about, care least about me? While others are nice and chirpy, I am nursing my tattered heart which I concealed deeply. 

Do I even ask about Saturday when tomorrow comes? If I ask, it sounds like I can’t wait to break up. If I don’t ask, she thinks that I don’t care. I am in catch 22 – darn if I do, darn if I don’t! Exactly how I felt when I stepped into the house. The poignant moments of familiarity and strangeness of the new furniture greeted me. She is already leading her own life and no wonder she does not want to drag it further. Just throw my things out and she can do what she wants. Even bring the OW over and inherit all their problems. Maybe that will make her happy and loved. 

As I slept on her bed to catch a wink, I felt a sense of weariness coming upon me. How much longer do I want to cry? How come she can be so cold hearted? Sigh. I will propose for counseling if she thinks there is still a chance. Otherwise, I think that is it. For us. 

I chanced upon an article by a cancer patient who wrote to our late founding prime minister. He emphasized on the importance of sharing one’s life with another and how he felt fortunate for having his wife. I wonder what will she say of me? I can’t tell anymore? It seems like a myriad of emotions instead. One that I stood by her, yet one that I drove her raving mad. I wish I knew. The gap has widened so much that we probably cannot hold a decent conversation anymore. 

 

The ball has never ever been in my court before. 连分开都迁就着你。你要我说多难看,我根本不想分开。

Unwanted affections 

    

After hearing she is sick, the instinctive reaction is to get stuff for her so that she can rest well. I hesitated but knew that I would feel uneasy if I don’t go. Is it selfish of me to want to care for her? Is it pure stubbornness based on past experiences ? I never thought I would be this detested. For a moment again, I felt like hurling myself down that roof. 

I made the decision based on my knowledge of her habits (lazy to go out and rather be cooped at home because of illness). Maybe I am really foolish and forgiving, that I can ignore all the spiteful and rude rage that were thrown at me previously. The constant observation if she had woken up and trying to arrive before she does just down the drain altogether. 

This seems repetitive, a year ago. She was the same. Told me not to send anymore photos to her, for she ll delete them. Said I am no longer her gf and yet cannot explain what I am. Just a supply source that the narcissistic can keep near her? 

I kept crying at work. I remember these feelings in 2009-2010. I was hurting for myself. Fast forward 5 years, just as I thought we are now stable and better off. History repeats itself. Seems like I am only good for bad times, never good times. All that I had weathered are never cherished, all that I had unwittingly/provocatively done are magnified and vilified. 

At least I got four full hours of sleep today. I don’t know how long this whole saga will continue. The crying bouts are likely to stay for a while as I nurse the hurts within me. 

   

 

A girl who is willing to delay her instant gratification just to help you save a couple of hundreds is a keeper. You chose to drive her away. Leaving her broken soul on the cold concrete streets. Curled in a corner, with her tattered heart. 

 

 

She is breaking up with me

IMG_4702

“I think it is really time to talk about the 2 of us. I don’t want to drag any further. “

My tears cannot stop after reading the above text. Even the blind can feel the looming break up. I kept asking myself, what have I done to deserves this? Despite giving up everything and giving in to her for everything, she wants to break up with me. If I had just gone to buy breakfast that fateful morning? Would it have helped? It might just delay this whole process – where we will have a nice valentine’s and anniversary celebration before the next meltdown.

I had tried my best in the past 9 months – to be supportive and to win her back, since her return from Qatar. Even though it pains me to find out all the truths, I continued to love her the same and be accommodating. But to her, I cannot make a single mistake, the moment that I do, I get lambasted – real bad at times. I think this time is the worst, because she stayed in the hall for a long time, building up all her resentment and unhappiness. I have heard her say that she is “unhappy” for the longest time and I did ask her, what could I do about it? Perhaps, the unhappiness stems from me instead. She is just unhappy with me and my presence – I reminded her too much of all her past mistakes. And my continued existence reminds her of her gaps since I have an overly critical and overbearing personality. One that she cannot tolerate nor love.

She had checked out of our relationship in the past 2 years. But I let her be, because I love her so much. The first cut is always the deepest and I reckon, I will never heal from this heartbreak. Maybe time will find me someone new, but it will never be the same. I don’t know if I can love as deeply or I am always sabotaging my own relationship. Perhaps, I am not destined to be happy ever. I truly believed in ‘Happily Ever After’ which is why I stayed on for so long, feeding on those memories of goodness, while burying bad memories of pain and hurt.

I had been having insomnia for the past 2 months, since she moved out of the room. I wish I could turn back time and gone to the market that very morning instead. For a moment, I thought she became better after chinese new year, the spiteful mongster returns. I guess, this is it. I cannot force her to do anything, nor saying anything more will aggravate the situation. I am not sure if she wants to share anything but one for sure, I will end up crying, which she will absolutely HATES.

The 6-hour tea session in Doha ended with tears and us missing each other so much. I think this time will be very different. She is no longer willing to give us a second chance and in the past 5 years, I think worse things had happened. She will point the finger at me, deep inside in her heart. Because narcissistic sociopaths have no flaws, only everyone else.

I will take time to heal. I will be loved. Some day by someone who finds me worthy. Rather than always crying and lamenting over my self-worth. Just because I wanted to be loved.

IMG_4567