I could feel the point of no return looming. Besides the payment of the car at stake, it is the very detachment that is repeating itself all over again. I am really weary of being through the whole cycle of OK-Not OK-OK-Not OK again and again. Even as I re-read this blog, the same issues are recurring. I kept thinking, how could I have prevented its recurrence and realise that I had absolutely no control over how another person can react to each matter, each time. Even if today she didn’t explode, another matter at another time, she would. It is IN HER and not me. If after all that we had been through, she cannot accept me for what I am, then there is really no point in hanging onto this relationship anymore.
Just through this week, I felt more concern from my colleagues and friends than from her. Yet, she is the one whom is causing me all these pain. I wonder if she felt any better, just by inflicting such punishment on me. If she really felt good, then good for her. At least one person is happy. If she felt worse, then why does she kept on doing such things to hurt us? I cannot fathom at all. What is on her mind? Do I still know her anymore? What is causing her unhappiness? What does she want more from me? It is a terrible February and March. So far, we had a good Nov-Dec-Jan (excluding the small bursts of anger).
I chanced upon a lovely website while pinning my pain on pinterest. It is by a talented young poet who even pens a handwritten letter and a poem for interested readers for a small token to fund a trip to the USA. I love all the metaphorical imagery she created in her works. I am sold man! It must be such a sweet gift, to receive a love poem from someone dear. But I reckon, it must be too heartbreaking for me to ask for a sad poem for myself, too disheartened to ask for a poem for my spiteful her and shalt just wait for the time, when I am feeling much better and make full use of this verbose request. Maybe it can be a treat for myself, in time to come. Art is invaluable.
School’s started. Had a bad spat over my summer semester’s enrolment earlier and hope it gets finally resolved. Back to readings and assignments. Can’t wait for this all to be over and done with. Miss my carefree days and certainly want to spend time more fruitfully from now onwards. Realised that I did not really put it to good use and is constantly toggling amongst apps that leads to NOTHING in the end.
Perhaps, it is just an annual cycle. It was April last year, that I thought I had enough. Yet, she came back again. This time, she probably won’t anymore. Because she can stand up for herself and do not need me anymore. I am only needed when she is down and out. When she is rich and generous, I am never there. What a painful realisation, that I am but someone that is being used and easily tossed aside. Someone who is there for all times, yet easily discarded in good times.
Hopefully my house gets upgraded soon and I can create a brand new life – with or without her. I cannot force her ever and if she decides that it is much better for her to leave without me, I will just respect her decision. This time, I will go ‘NO CONTACT’ because I cannot risk another 6 + 5 years of pain. There is only so many times that my heart can get take the trampling and healing. Maybe some day, someone will take better care of me and my feeble heart. I hope that I am worthy and I should not be crying so frequently like now.
The love of my life – thanks for teaching me how much I could love. I did and I had no regrets. I love you far more than anything in this world and I am not sure if I could ever love the same. Maybe yes, maybe no. But you will always be the one that I love the most, even at the point of no return. Adieu.